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So I was doing my best trying to deal with everything that was going on in my life. On the
family front I was reaching a breaking point and was actively looking to move out. The downside was it was going to take a
couple of months for me to find my own place so I was going to have to stick it out a while longer. Matt and I were trying
to move on from the huge speed bump that had almost derailed our relationship. Some days were easy other's were hell to get
through. I found that if I just didn't think about it then everything was okay. However not thinking about it meant pretending
like it never happened and that was not a healthy way to deal either. I had always had trust issues. That is why I get defensive
around new people. I guess now my defenses were up because everything had just happened so I was having trouble trusting Matt
even though I wanted to. One day I couldnt get in touch with Matt cause his cell phone was dead so I was freaking out not
knowing what he was doing or where he was. I called his job and they said that he didn't show up that day. His odd behavior
was making my head spin and I automatically thought of the worst case scenario. Don't ask me why but in my gut I felt like
his odd behavior was a sideaffect of him doing coke again. I called Tara and she told me to come to her house to talk about
it. She called Bryan to find out how Matt's behavior was when he was doing coke on a more regular basis. Something just didn't
feel right. I decided I was going to ask Matt to his face. We needed to establish the trust in our relationship again and
I felt that if I asked him myself rather then accuse him he would tell me the truth. So I did and he swore he wasn't. He had
just been down because of his living situation and current job. When I asked him if he had gone to work that day he said he
hadn't. That week he spent three days at my house. It was good for us because we needed to spend some quality time together
and he got to get away from his current living situation. He was preparing to move further out west towards the city with
Wendy and Mel that Friday. On Friday we went to Thunder's. At one point in the evening I couldn't find Matt and I literally
spent about a half hour looking for him. I gave up and was getting really upset and people were trying to comfort me and told
me to flirt with other guys and try and move on but I didn't want to. I wanted Matt. After about forty five minutes he found
me outside sitting at one of the tables with a group of people but by that time Wendy and Mel were ready to leave and I was
pissed. Maybe I overreacted a bit but at the time I was very upset. I'm not trying to say he was hooking up with some guy
or he was doing coke but I guess part of me thought that because I couldn't find him for so long and like I said I had all
these trust issues. I guess I just needed that reassurence from him because my selfesteem was low and I wasn't getting it.
The next day I was fine and I visited him at the new place. That night at home things really hit the fan between my grandmother
and I. My grandmother was basically running her mouth about things she didn't know I knew the truth about and bad mouthing
my mother and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was at my boiling point and I just started screaming at her. I respected
my mother's wishes and didn't say what I knew but I told my grandmother to shut up and to not talk to me cause I didn't want
to hear what she had to say. She never lets things go that easy so of course she kept going on trying to get me to respond.
I just went upstairs to my room and she was yelling up the stairs "Thomas come on talk to me. Whats going on?" I just went
to the top of the stairs and said "What did I say? I said I didn't want to talk to you so leave me alone now!" I sat in my
room for about a minute contemplating my next move. At that moment I decided I'd had enough and couldn't live there anymore.
I began to pack up all my stuff. I grabbed everything I could fit in my car and moved out without saying a word. The only
problem was I had no where to go. My mom offered to let me stay with her for the night but she had a small place so I could
only stay with her for a week tops. Matt asked Wendy and Mel if I could spend the night there and they said yes. When I go
there I met Wendy's brother Scot and his girlfriend Lauren. I may have come off a little bitchy cause I kind of just said
nice to meet you and kept on my way. Wendy and Mel offered to let me stay with them until Matt and I could find our own place.
My emotions were high and my mind was all over the place. Matt and I were about to celebrate our two month anniversary and
we had already been through so much in just two and a half weeks. Looking back at it now I'm glad I had him because he helped
me keep things together. He was my rock and helped keep me sane (as I could possibly be) given the circumstances. Even though
I may have lashed out at him because of displaced anger or emotions he still stood by me and I love him for that. That's one
thing I can always say about us. No matter how mad we are at each other we are still there for each other not matter what
because our love is strong. We've been through some tough stuff early on and it's made us stronger both seperately and together
as a couple. I need him mind, body, and soul and I hope he feels the same way. This new living arrangement was another test
for our relationship. Stick around and you'll see what I mean.
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