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So I had just moved out of my grandparent's house and was now living with Matt, Wendy, and
Mel. I played off the emotion's of hurt from my family by keeping busy and doing what I had to do. I was going to work and
coming home exhausted. This was the beginning of my downward spiral. I started blowing off school altogether for many stupid
reasons. I was too tired from work and wanted more hours so I worked rather then go to school. My grandfather refused to pay
my tuition any longer so I really had no choice but that was an extension of me moving out. I was kind of just living day
to day. Unsure of what else was coming my way next. Matt and I celebrated our two month anniversary together. He bought me
roses and layed them on the path to the apartment and made dinner for me. I know that seem's a little much for only two month's
but we're young and in love plus it was our first anniversary living together so we made a big deal out of it. Two month's
felt like longer cause we had already been through so much in the past month. I guess you can say we were stronger for dealing
with such major stuff so early on. Most people would have given up if they had gone through half the stuff we went through
so early on but Matt and I were determined to make this work. Lauren would come by the apartment to hang out with us. I don't
know why but I was drawn to Lauren and felt like she could relate to some of what I was gong through so I clung to her as
a safety net. We would talk outside when I needed to vent and she helped me deal with a lot of the emotion's I was struggling
with in the after math of the problem's Matt and I were having week's before. I was on a walking kick were I would just go
for walks at night for like a half hour just to breath and think on my own Lauren would come with me some times and we would
just vent and compare notes of whateach other had been through in the past. I know it helped me. I hope I helped her. As happy
as I was to finally be on my own and with Matt it was hard adjusting to living with three other people in such a small apartment.
Almost every night was a party and it was starting to take it's toll on my body. One night Wendy and Mel were talking about
getting cocaine for them to do together since Mel had never tried it and wanted to. Matt and I kind of had an understanding
that I don't do drugs and I don't want to be with someone who does drugs and he respected that. Anybody else can do it and
I don't care but not me or the person I'm seeing. I don't know if it was curiosity,depression, or the shock value of everyone's
expression's but I told Wendy to let me get in on it cause I wanted to try it just once. Matt thought I was joking but I was
dead serious and I gave her money to get me some. We did it and I enjoyed it but knew of the long term damages of getting
addicted or doing it to often. I decided it was okay if I did it every once and awhile on special ocasion's like maybe once
a month or every other month so I wouldn't get sick. I made Matt promise that he would never do it unless it was with me because
I knew he used to do it weekly in the past in large portion's and I was scared for his health and mine if we were to get out
of hand with it. So we were cool and a couple of days past and suddenly coke was in the house again and Matt wanted to do
it and was so adamit on doing it weather I liked it or not. I did it too telling my self that I just wont do it for a couple
of months and I'd be fine. Then I started to blow of work. Then I lost my job in the span of a week. I'm not blaming it on
the coke but it contributed to my bad decisions because I was up all night doing coke and not wanting to get up and do what
I had to do during the day. I did it a couple of more times. Mostly because I was depressed and I didn't want to get mad at
Matt for doing it. I was over analyzing things like the fact that he had promised that he wouldn't do unless it was with me
and he lied. It made me think about how he said he would never cheat on me the first time he said he loved me and not even
a week and half later he cheated on me. He wanted me to trust him and believe him but in my mind he wasn't giving me any reason
to trust him or believe his promises. I mean it was getting bad between Matt and I when it came to coke. I would ask him not
to do it and he would do it anyway just cause he wanted to. He told me he wasnt addicted which may have been true but doing
three times a week is not going to help matters and I was worried for his health. I felt he was doing it to much and he just
didn't seem to understand that. I literally would end up begging him not to do it but it never changed anything. I felt like
my opinion didn't matter and him doing it anyway was like a slap in my face. He said it wasnt but thats how I saw it and thats
how I felt. We just don't agree when it comes to coke and that has never changed. Although he said he is fine he is not a
doctor and doesn't know what damage he may have caused or could be causing by doing it now. I'm sorry but that's the truth
and we tend to have all out battles when it come to that. We went pumkin picking with my mom out east. It was the first time
he was meeting my mom and she loved him and vica versa. We spent the whole day hanging out talking. I decided I was going
to do coke one last time at the Thunder's Halloween party, I was a whore and Matt was a drunken sailor. We took a few bumps
in the bathroom and had a blast at the party. That was it for me though I was done with it. It was causing to many fights
between Matt and I and I was not thinking clearly. There had been some fights were I literally packed up my things and was
ready to move out but he would apologize and I would un pack the next day. Some nights he would say "I'm sorry" and I would
say "No your not cause if you were you wouldn't keep doing it." My intuition was telling me to leave him and that is why I
would pack up and leave but when it came down to it I couldn't go through with it. He had my heart and I was not ready for
it to be broken even though on the inside it felt like it was breaking causeing me to have irrational temper tamptrums and
emotional out burst with him. I felt like my whole world was falling down and I had hit rock bottom.
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